In Loving Memory

Eight years ago today, August 30, 1999, I lost my beautiful wife Ellen to cancer. She was my best friend, soul mate, and golfing buddy. I want to tell you about her.

Ellen was born in Washington DC. She attended school there, and later went on to Marymount College. She and her husband John were happily married for twenty five years until his death in 1977. They are the parents of five children, now adults with children of their own.

We first met at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was new, she had eleven years of sobriety. We were good friends at first, then it became more than that, and four years later, in 1981, we were married.

Ellen was a tennis player at the time and had no interest in golf. She often said she could not understand why grown men got their kicks hitting a little white ball into a hole with a stick. Then one day she picked up a golf instruction book of mine, thumbed through it and said "I can play this game" And in no time at all the tennis lady became a complete and hopeless golf nut. We vacationed in Pinehurst many times after that, and in 1992 we both retired and bought a home in this beautiful place.

Yes, we played a lot of golf together, but there was so much more. We were both huge sports fans and News junkies. Redskins football, Georgetown basketball, Golf, Meet the Press, you name it. We taped everything so that it did not interfere with our favorite pastime. Sunday was always a big day for some event, and the kids would call in the evening, and the first thing they would always hear was "don't tell us the score, we are still watching".

Alcoholics Anonymous was her number one priority . She knew that the program saved her life, and made all of the other good things possible. She shared frequently at meetings, and when she did, everyone listened. She talked often about the people who reached out to her early in her sobriety, people like Pam and Florence, and Betty. She was very spiritual. Ellen kept a God Box on a shelf in her closet. And when something troubled her, over which she had no control, she would write it down and place it in the God Box. Her way of turning it over to the care of God. She truly lived her life one day at a time. And we all remember her saying "it's not the Lions and the Tigers that get you, it's the nats. Ellen had thirty three years of sobriety, and she walked like she talked.

And then there was this little Irish lady with a bit of a temper. We never argued. Not that I didn't try. She had a more effective way of handling our differences.. She simply stopped talking to me for a few days--drove me nuts. Three days was the worst. So I forgot to tape the Redskins Cowboys game. Big Deal!! Then, while I was in purgatory, she would make reminder notes of whatever was topical so that we could talk about it when my time was up.

Now about the "driving thing". I am not the best driver and everyone knows I get lost a lot. So Ellen insisted that she drive everywhere we went. The whole town knew It. It's so hard trying to look like a macho, in charge husband, slouched down in the passenger seat. We had a big white Lincoln at the time, and I suggested that we install a reading lamp in the rear and I would sit back there. I have no recollection of an audible response to that suggestion.

Ellen was always very open about expressing her feelings, particularly to those she loved. She had a unique way of telling us, it was never perfunctory. Now, if you happened to be someone who offended her in some way, Lord Have Mercy.

Her dearest friend was Neal. They were both Irish, similar upbringing, so much in common. Talking on the phone ten times a day was one. And the overnight shopping trips to wherever. Once a year they attended an AA retreat in Maryland, always timing it so that, when nature called, they were close to a Norstroms. Loved their bathrooms they used to say. Then there was the Weight Watcher thing. They were both very trim and I never understood why they joined. Turned out they were not going to the meetings at all. Once a week they would show up at WW for the "weigh in". Then they would head to Tammys' Restaurant for a guilt free, all you can eat dinner. She loved Neal.

And how she loved Pinehurst. Ellen took long walks every morning through the golf course, and on around into the village. She took it all in, the flowers and trees, the Carolina blue sky, and then come home and tell me all about it. She would often make a Gratitude List of those things, and the people she loved , especially her children. The last one was written two days before her death.

She is at rest today in a special place with the view that she loved the most.

I miss her a lot. We all do.

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